The Irony of "Friends".

*Friend [noun]- a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
*Bestfriend [noun]- an intimate companion; held in one's highest regards; most important

Now, i forget why i wanted to define those words lol, but uhm yeah "Friend".
i guess everybody has different definitions of "friend"; some people consider a "friend" a person who they associate with, but then why would "associate" and "friend" be like two different words? i dont really care for all the other defintions of "friend" but the two i listed above are relatively close to my own personal definition.
i have a lot of associates often mistaken for friends. Im pretty friendly, so i interact with all kinds of people and form some type of bond with them almost instantly. However, at the end of most days i just think "who are my friends?".
Who are my friends?
like realrealreal friends.

*Friend-a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
Now, to me this definition would be perfect for "associate", like most of the people i have relations with i am attracted to with feelings of affection or personal regard. This does not mean we are friends. this does not mean i would spill my whole life story to you. this does not mean i would go to a party with you. this does not mean i will share a can of pepsi, and a box of oreos with you. No, it just means "hey, i think you're a cool person. Blazay-Blazay."
like maybe we have something in common and yada yada, but to me that doesnt mean "friend" it means "hey we have something in common, i think you're kinda cool._"
Now from that thought on you either could potentially be considered a "friend", meaning i find more interest in you and we just go beyond; or you stay in the associate zone.

so wtfsuathenwhatsthedamndifferencebetween'friend'and'bestfriend'idiot!

*Bestfriend-an intimate companion;held in the highest regards;most important
Now this is similar to my definition of "Friend". this, does not mean i expect all my friends to have a really close "intimate" relationship with me such as the average person's "bestfriend"; it simply means, i require a better quality of friends. like i'd so rather have zero "friends" than to have a whole bunch of crappy "associates".---Wayne, and i discuss this frequently.
Everytime i tell someone "I dont have any friends.": they always say what? yes you do what about vanissa, alisha etc..

well, i guess yeah i'll just use those two as a way to explain what "i dont have any friends" means.
Vanissa and Alisha have been my close companions since like 6th grade. i love them like so much; my type of kids. Funny/Chills/=]/etc. B U T if you look at their relationship like
Vanissa<--->Alisha
and not Vanissa<--->Alisha<--->Sua.
thats what i consider a bestfriend. [lol so i guess we're past the "friend" part.] They have like just like the best "bestfriend" relationship anyone could have according to my definition. Its pretty hard to put my definition into words for "bestfriend" but its just like that O N E person, not no huge ass group, who u go to for any and everything. Both of you can M U T U A L L Y talk to each other about anything; and like ur not scared to tell each other certain stuff or scared of judgement and stuff. like they tell me stuff here and there, but they censor it or leave parts out. But they are definetly my best quality of "friends".
I realized that i dont have that one person, but i would love to have him/her.---Marcus and i discussed this.
like idk if its me or the world who has the problem. lol well, i dont really have a realProblem. im content with what i have or dont have im just saying it would be nice to have like that person.

Miles--sorry his name's also in this blog,but he's been ranting about how he wants to meet somebody new. Well, at first i was like wow he doesnt appreciate his NOWfriends; but after my trip to Princeton i really understand what he means. There are so many different people out there and when you meet that one person who jus instantly shows signs of potentially becoming a close friend of yours, you look at all the "friends [if you have any]" that you currently have, and convince yourself what a better quality group of friends you really want.
I met the sweetest girl Named Candace Mosley on this trip to princeton. We instantly attracted--like it was so wierd. We knew each other for less than 4 hours and you wouldve never known. like she's the type of person i look for in a bestfriend. She was so charismatic and just awesome, my type of kid. after meeting her i realized:
1. i lovee her !
2. i dont have any "friends" like her
which made me think, man! do i have any friends?
lol like we had so much fun its undescribable but basically i figured, this is how i should feel around someone i call my friend; i mean sure there will be bad times but all the goodtimes ive had with "friends" were nothing like this 4 hour hangout with her.
Not to like down any of my current "friends" but idk i think its me.
i DO have friends,i just feel like distant and like nobody's there. which they arent,but claim to be.
so shit, idk im Almost confusing myself.
i suppose im expecting too much, idk whateveer.

i know one of my problems is my "flings".
because i am, who i am; i tend to attract to almost anybody then we're like soo close, then we die off.
two examples:
Shakila Vs. Kelsie
last year Kelsie and i were inseperable! like i still love her til this day, but we dont hang or rarely even talk anymore. but once upon a time we were like bestbuds had so much fun together. then this year we just sank like the titanic lol--were like "associates" indirectly.--thats what i call a fling.
The one, and only exception to my "fling" ideal is Shakila. We've known of each other since 9th grade but around mid-11th grade we became like inseperable lol. always together everywhere,talking all the time...and i've been waiting like to see us fade out but we're still like just as close as we were before. like i mean we dont even have to talk everyday but everytime we get back around eachother or we talk on the phone or something we always still have that fire burning, it is so strange but i love her. She's the one person who's shown potential to be like that one "bestfriend"; like she doesnt judge me, but she'll say whats real. same with me. we dont bite our tongues to "spare" eachothers feelings which maybe the downfall in alot of my friendships.like ppl wont tell me stuff cuz they know imma say how i feel and if they were in the wrong they dont want me to tell them "u were wrong" so yeah. lol
since this is already long i might aswell address labels.
so the other day alisha said "...sua ur my bestfriend toooo"
then i told her"u dont have to label me as ur bestfriend just to make me feel better"
then i realized labels do not have to be mutual.
like i could consider shakila my bestfriend, but she may consider me as like just her regular friend.
like kanye west could be my boyfriend, but still consider amber to be his girlfriend.
lolololololol

now, back to the alisha thing. so she replied like "sua if u dnt wanna be my bestfriend jst say it".
now the problem with unmutual labels is that one person is always going to get the short end of the stick.
for example:
vanissa/alisha always together blababaa
im hardly ever with them now, but they still consider
me a bestfriend. but me looking in is like what?no its just you two
so i may feel were not bestfriends,but they still consider me that. lol confusing?
idk how to explain it but yeah like i said they are still one of the best quality friends that i do have.

Lesson:
"I'm no longer running around trying to F I N D that "friend" or "bestfriend"---the best kind of friends come to you naturally,and those are the keepers =]"